Questions to myself about burnout
How did I end up here?
I didn’t think it would get to this. There are so many others who are in much more dire situations and have endured way worse, so quite frankly I felt guilty for actually burning out.
I like to think that I have a pretty high pain tolerance so despite some of the challenges that I was facing at work and at home, I just kept fighting through it.
Some of the challenges manifested in small ways, for instance, may it was a bunch of unplanned late night meetings, or decisions that I didn’t fully agree with, to wasted efforts and the feeling of not having any control. On top of this, there was the personal guilt of not pulling my weight as a parent and not being able to support my family during the pandemic and it was slowly eating away at me.
I think my body knew it, and was trying to give me some warning signs but I didn’t want to appear weak and faint hearted so I just kept fighting through it.
What were some of your warning signs?
One of the biggest signs was the sleepless nights. Either not being able to sleep, or waking up at odd hours in the middle of the night. At first, I thought this was age related but later discovered it was purely due to anxiety and stress.
Another potential sign was the elevated resting heart rate that my watch was reporting back, along with the redness in my face during zoom meetings - I wish there was a filter to reduce this effect!
Eventually your body gets so tired and worked up that it can longer take it.
Did you try techniques to reduce burn out?
I kept up a pretty decent exercise routine as well as yoga and meditation. It helped but I could not resolve the root cause of the anxiety.
Some of this may have been my own psychology. It was hard for me to disconnect and recharge after work. I felt a constant pull to be connected and I wasn’t able to clear the anxiety from my mind.
Why do people stay in these situations?
Beyond pride and the sense that you can overcome adversity, there are many factors and they differ for everyone. For some, it could be the very practical reason that they need to find that next role before leaving the current situation. For others, it could be that they have invested so much into the team and they don’t want to abandon those who are left behind. In the end, it doesn’t do much good to stick around, it just starts to affect your health.
How long did it take to recover?
It took me 4 weeks away from work to restore my ability to sleep properly again. It took me another 4-5 months before I was even willing to think about taking another assignment. This is the point when my body could actually stomach taking a look at roles. During the first few job applications, I was still very timid and not sure if this was the right thing. After talking to some warmer contacts, I was finally ready to start ramping things up again around the 6 month mark.
What did you do during the time away?
The main focus of the time off was to recharge and to reprioritize the important things in my life. I wanted to reassemble my life by starting with the important items and then integrating work back into it as one of the components. I also wanted to know what my normal resting heart rate was and how much sleep I can get when I’m not stressed out.
While I was working, I had this feeling in the pit of my stomach that I wasn’t doing enough to be a good parent, son, friend, and all the other important roles that I was playing in my life. So I took the time to avoid future regret and spent time with loved ones.
What did I learn?
In large part, writing this blog has been tremendously helpful. Reading and writing about what contributes to happiness and fulfillment is exactly what I needed. Here are some lessons I’ve learned along the way:
On the mental state:
Have fun on a daily basis and don’t feel guilty about this
I can be just as productive when I’m not stressed
Need to pay attention to myself - what causes stress, what do I like, what I don’t, where do I ask for help, how do I get help?
On being intentional:
Carve out time for the important things in life (family, friends, hobbies)
Be intentional about learning, reading and writing
Surround yourself with people who will help you grow
On happiness:
Focus on giving back and helping others
Happiness comes from solving good problems, seek out good problems with good people
What’s next?
I felt like I had a very restorative and productive break. It’s made me more focused, and clearer in terms of what I want to do and how I want to do it.
Now I’m ready for the next chapter